Revelation.

I went on a walk today and I had a revelation.
I deserve so much more than this. I am currently 160 pounds. I've gained ten more pounds in the few weeks of summer that I have had. I don't need to be 160 pounds. I was fine at 130 pounds, but I've used food as a way to cope with all of the things in my life and because of it, I have gained 30 pounds in 6 months. That is gaining an average of 5 pounds a month, a number that most people strive to lose in a month. But, I have to end this terrible cycle that I am choosing to put myself through.

At some point in my life, something went terribly wrong in my head. I decided that absolutely nothing I do is good enough and that I am incapable of succeeding at anything. This is coming from the girl who has a 3.8 GPA at college, graduated 13th in her high school class, and didn't even try to get either one of those. This is the girl who doesn't put forth effort in anything she does because there isn't a point. I do just fine with minimal effort. I don't study too hard, I don't try, I just happen to get grades like those. I don't try because if I try and I fail I'll be disappointed in myself. If I just cruise along, I can say something happens because I didn't try.

I have convinced myself for so long that I am not good enough. It's horrid. I don't allow others to say bad things about me, but I allow myself to pick at myself with words such as failure, fat, ugly, and more. If I don't have respect for myself, how do I expect other people to respect me and say nice things about me? I can't.

I am worth so much more than I give myself credit for. I am a beautiful girl whether I am 130 or 160 pounds and I need to start behaving like it. If I'm going to be 160 pounds right now then I need to buy some clothes for the 160 pound me. I need to feel good about myself. I can't keep wearing athletic shorts and a t-shirt every day. I need to buy real clothes so that I can feel pretty again.

I have decided that I will lose the weight starting today, once and for all. I know I keep saying it, but I finally know why I need to lose the weight and it's because I deserve it. I deserve to be happy and healthy. I deserve to feel beautiful every single day. I don't need a guy to let me feel beautiful either. I know that was a problem for me in the past. I don't need to eat food to make myself feel better because in the long run, it's only going to make me feel worse. If I want to eat food because I feel lonely (the usual reason) then I need to go outside and go on a walk. Or go down and hang out with the counselors and kids.

All in all, I deserve this change. This is a change that I am going to make for myself because I deserve it. And this change is going to overflow into every part of my life because I deserve so much more than I have been allowing myself to have.